Before we get started today, you really need to watch this.

That’s how I always did that level.

…

Now, I have something else for you. At work here, we sometimes get involved in what I would describe as less-than-productive behavior. This is, perhaps, not entirely uncommon in my industry.

That said, rarely has a day been so completely destroyed than the day that my office-mates and I found The Zombie Game.

I am grislyness. Grislyness, the zombie. As of right now, I am ranked 672nd. I rule.

Unfortunately, I am currently being held captive by my malicious overlord, the UnTrevor. But let me assure you, ladies and gentlemen, that will not stand. No. The UnTrevor is going down.

Here’s the thing about this game: it’s just a freakin’ website. It’s… it’s… not even really a game in the way we have come to think of it. It’s more like a play-by-mail game where the turns are very, very fast.

Must admit, though. Draining the vitality of my minions to serve my nefarious ends is pretty satisfying. Even if it’s just a website.

I will be sending out infection invitations to many of you. This will insure my ongoing power. Do not fear me; together, we can rule the known universe. Also, it will add your name to their spam list, which is always a good thing.

Mu hu. Wa ha. Wa ha.

The following is a chat log that rolled across the darklord’s chat system earlier today. I felt it was poignant.

audio_guy: dear level designers and producer type people – a few words about audio…
darklord:
audio_guy: audio is not like color, if everything on the screen is green, then the screen looks green, however, if everything in audio is turned up as loud as possible, it will sound like crap…
darklord: this is true.
audio_guy: the phrase “Everything Louder than Everything Else” works well for the heavy metal band Motorhead, but for videogames it is perhaps the wrong mantra
audio_guy: I’d like to introduce a friend of mine: Dynamics
darklord: hello, Dynamics!
audio_guy: Dynamics is the process by which some things are quiet while others are loud, allow him to demonstrate…
audio_guy: take our main critter for example: he has an attack scream, and he has footsteps, the attack scream is big and loud, it is SCARY! the footsteps are quieter they are just there to pierce the silence when he walks
darklord: hmm. yes, this makes sense.
audio_guy: I am sorry that you cannot hear the footsteps when he is doing his attack scream
audio_guy: some things however are necessary
audio_guy: the options are as follows: I leave things the way they are.
audio_guy: or
audio_guy: I take out/turn down the scream
darklord: sounds reasonable.
audio_guy: you’ll notice that there is NO option called “turn the footsteps up as loud as the friggin’ go”!!!
audio_guy: care to take a guess as to why?
darklord: …dynamics?
audio_guy: very good

…

darklord: I have an idea
darklord: take them to the zoo
audio_guy: zoo?
darklord: wait until the elephant trumpets, and ask them if they could hear the elephant’s footsteps when it was trumpeting.
darklord: or, maybe a lion + roar.
audio_guy: you can’t hear elephants footsteps when they’re not trumpeting
audio_guy: they are silent
audio_guy: or nearly so
darklord: hmmm.
darklord: good point.

…

darklord: billygoats then.

My blogging has dwindled of late. You may have noticed. Let me assure you (as I have in previous posts) that I have my reasons.

I am going to try to explain those reasons now.

…

Sigh. Listen, it isn’t that I don’t love you, because I do. You know that, all the time we’ve spent together, the long walks, the phone calls… it’s not about that, you have to believe that.

It’s just… that… see… um…

…

Yeah, that’s not working. Let me try another tact.

So, there’s stuff I really can’t tell you about. Like, for example, [--REDACTED FOR YOUR PROTECTION--], and [--REDACTED FOR YOUR PROTECTION--]. You know, the really [--OMITTED--] stuff.

But I do try.

[ ASIDE: ] The strangest thing about this moment is that I find myself wanting to write. Honestly, when I started this whole “bloggy” thing, I was convinced that in three weeks we would be looking at a withered stump of a blog — four posts spread out across twenty days, with declining interest and nothing inspiring.

But, here we are, just over a year later, and I’m actually getting more interested in the process by the day.

So what the fuck do I do when the topic is too personal? I mean, do I really want the entire Interweb knowing that [--OMITTED AT THE REQUEST OF THE VATICAN--]? I mean, that’s some pretty [--CENSORED--] stuff!!

No! No I don’t! But… I want to write about it! WTF?!?!

Not sure. Whatever. [ /ASIDE ]

The short version is that, as I’ve mentioned, my relationship with food fucking blows.

And, over the last few months, I’ve stumbled onto some rather startling… life-changing… things … that have led to my colleagues saying things like “Ye gods, man, what, do you have a wasting disease or something?” and “Hey, stick-boy! Over here!”

I welcome this strange, new world with frank astonishment, because I can assure you, it is not some new injection of willpower or self-discipline that has caused this change. No friends. It is, instead that I fucking asked for help.

Like, really, actually, for reals this time. I have come to understand what the word “plea” means. Also “begging for your life”. Turns out you can eat yourself to death, and at this point I have some passing familiarity with what that road looks like.

I think I finally asked the right people for help. I hope so, anyway. Point is, after what I would describe as a long, thorn-strewn road, I’ve been sane and happy for like two whole weeks, and that is a bit of a shift for me. I’ll keep you posted on my progress; right now I’ve misplaced at least four 5-pound turkeys that I’ve been carrying around in my belly for the last year. I’m not entirely sure where they went, but they are certainly gone.

If you’re curious and want more data, just ask.

Today, let us respond to two startling questions, from two different readers.

These are, quite possibly, 2 out of 3 readers that I have.

druid writes:

Congrats. First, on resisting the urge to ninja the helm (although, dammit, you are a Paladin, and there’s a truly special level of hell reserved for Paladins that steal drops). And second, for finally getting it to drop.

My thanks. But what’s your question?

So. Big picture time, here. How long do you expect to continue playing WoW? Until it’s not “fun” anymore (I dare you to say that running Scholo 42 times is still “fun”)? Until the expansion? Until you have full Lawbringer? Until you’ve experienced all the content (Ony, AQ40, soon Nax and the expansion)?

It’s one of the issues that always gets to me with MMOs – there’s no end. Hence, my experience with them almost always ends up being sour, because I play them until I can’t stand playing them any more (otherwise, why quit)?

The answer to this question might terrify you. It certainly terrifies me.

I will be done with this game when:

1. I have a character (most likely Allora) that has experience every piece of geo in the game, and beaten every monster. Progress: 90%.
2. I have a character (horde and alliance) that has completed every quest in the game. Progress: 60% (alliance: 98%, horde: ~50%, there is a great deal of overlap at high levels)
3. I have a level 60 character of each class. Progress: 15% (Paladin: 60, Priest: 43, Hunter: 33, Warrior: 33, Shaman: 24, Rogue: 29, Mage: 8, Warlock: 3, Druid: 0)

…

I really think that speaks for itself.

Dave writes:

I command you to write an interesting, not WoW tinted, blog of epic proportions. Reading about the Lizard’s Gizzard for the 400^th time is uninteresting.

Hmmm. An interesting point. Let’s take a moment and discuss.

1. See above converstaion for a rough idea of what your chances are of not seeing WoW-related posts on this site in the near-term.

So be it.

I (meaning, my virtual avatar, Allora) hit 60 some time ago.

Uh, we’re talking like nine months ago here. Just for perspective.

Those of you unfamiliar with the lay o’ da land once you “max out” in the Warcraftian World may find it startling to understand that the journey has only really just begun. (I did some discussion on this topic a while ago, illustrating in some small way the level of insanity that is required to achieve pleasure from the game at this level.)

Let us say this: many of my more stable friends who did play this game stopped when they hit 60. Because, they reasoned, what would be the point?

I have for you a tale of the point. It is a tale of faith… of hope… and most importantly, how the power of prayer can help you. No, really.

Let’s set the Wayback Machine to somewhere’s around two weeks after Allora had hit 60.

These were hopeful, naive days. I was happily adjusting to the fact that I could (*gasp!*) log off anywhere I damn well pleased, because the rest I was accumulating by logging off at inns gave me extra experience points, and… I was all done with that!

I had me some green gear that I found quite fetching. (“Green” in the previous sentence refers to the color of the text of the item, which reflects its rarity… yeah. Nerds.)

(Come to think of it, I still find that fetching; Alabaster Plate is one of the best looking suits of plate in the game, IMHO. It looks… authentic. And, this was in Allora’s “I’m a Holy Paladin, Don’t Fuck With My Gods” phase, so it was very appropriate.)

Ahhhh, young I was. So young, in fact, that I was only just beginning to explore this whole new thing that I knew was to consume the rest of Allora’s gameplay time: grouping. Specifically, grouping for instance dungeons.

I knew little about this, so I decided to go at it slow and easy, so as not to make vast, long-reaching mistakes that would haunt me for the next nine months of gaming.

…yeah.

You may or may not be aware of the various armor sets that exist for the collecting pleasure (ahem) of the upper-level character. It suffices to say that traditional XP-based leveling after level 60 is replaced by two things: faction (which we have discussed) and armor sets.

These armor sets contain within them the stat bonuses that would normally be granted by leveling up. See how that works? It’s as if you had to go and kill a dragon (over and over… and over) until he decides to randomly drop your new level, as treasure. You equip it, and bang! You’re 61!

Kinda. It’s not quite as cut-and-dried as that, but that’s the gist.

So, there I was, quite suddenly, in my first high-level instance group. It was, by chance, a run into Scholomance, a marvelous place with high stone ceilings, lots of books, and undead legions filling every hall who are happy to take your coat, hat, and soul, if you give them a chance. Very excited, I was polite to a fault. “Hi, hi, how are you, yes I have Blessing of Kings, no I haven’t done this before, hi, hi…”

One of the members of this party of illustrious adventurers was a paladin as well. Shortly after we were under way, this fine fellow messages me, and asks if I have the Lightforge Helm. After all, the end boss of Scholomance is the only place it drops.

At the time, I genuinely had almost no idea what he was talking about. I mean, I knew there were these sets of armor, and I knew that I would be seeking them… but beyond that, I was still virginal in my approach.

“Nope!” I chirped.

His reply went something like this: “OKAY OMG LISTEN I’VE DONE THIS RUN 42 TIMES AND I’VE NEVER SEEN THE DAMN THING DROP EXCEPT ONCE AND I GOT OUT ROLLED AND I HAVE EVERYTHING ELSE I JUST NEED THE HELM SO IF IT DROPS CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NOT ROLL OMG OMG!!”

…

“uh… sure?” I said. Seemed reasonable.

Fast forward.

BRLLIRBILRIBLBLBRBLRLIRLIRIB–wiped on the goddamn spiders–LRIBLRILBRBRIRLBILRIRP–green gas sucks sucks sucks, and I died again–RLBPIBPLBIPLIBPRIBP–Ras Frostwhisper fell before our mighty swo–LRILRIPBPBIRLLIRBP–and Darkmaster Gandling collapsed on his goddamn face, YEAH BABY!!! We BAD!! We SLICER-DICERS!!

We loot… and, of course, there it is. Lightforge Helm. Ding ding ding.

I hesitated. I had, after all, promised this guy who I didn’t know and would never see again that I would let him have it. But… holy crap! Look at those stats!

…

Nah, it’ll drop again. Pass.

[ ASIDE: if you find yourself in a similar situation, and you have this thought? Destroy it. ]

Fast forward.

…actually, we need to skip forward through several of our vast archives. In fact, we need to run all the way up to last night.

Becuase, you see, I’ve run Scholo a lot since that day. It’s a very Paladin-friendly place, what with it being populated almost entirely by the living dead. I have a way of exploding undead brains that makes for very fun gameplay. I can tank there too. If you don’t know what that means, I envy you.

By “I’ve run Scholo a lot“, I mean, like, 42 times. And the goddamn thing has never dropped again.

Those of you following my tales of woe will know that I am currently in Molten Core, and have been collecting my Lawbringer gear, which is, in fact, far superior to the Lightforge stuff. Lightforge is twiddly n00b stuff compared to the Lawbringer gloriousness.

But… man. It’s a classic, you know? And I haven’t gotten the Lawbringer helm yet. So, I keep going back.

[ ASIDE #2: You know where this is going, but I have a message I want to pass to you along the way, so hang in there. ... It won't be worth it, by the way, but hang in there anyway. I dunno, what else do you have to do, work?? ]

So, last night I did a Scholo run for a guild member: a warlock who is working on getting her Epic mount. We pulled a group of guildies together, and went down into the depths of this undead-riddled “school”.

It was a lot of fun; good run, everyone was on the Vent server, so we could all talk to each other (which helps enormously). Our warlock complete her quest, we turned the immortal lich Ras Frostwhisper into a human and then hacked off his head, got good loot… a pleasant run.

…and Darkmaster Gandling collapsed on his goddamn face, YEAH BABY!!!

And suddenly, we are all standing around the fallen corpse. I breathe in fearfully (as I always do when we reach this point in the run), but this time, I say into the mic, “Ladies and gentlemen, let us all take a moment to pray, silently, for the Lightforge Helm to–” and then someone looted, and there it was.

I peed myself.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, assembled dignitaries, I give you…

…my Ronald McDonald hat.

You see? It’s all clear to me now, and this is my message to you.

Prayer works.

…

Now, the fact that I prayed every single other time for the exact same thing to happen, to no avail, has no bearing on my conclusion. I am convinced. And so should you be. In the immortal words of George Michael, ya gotta have faith.

…and, if you think I’m gonna walk around with that horrendous thing showing on my head, then, in the immortal words of Judas Priest, you’ve got another thing comin’. That is why the WoW gods put “Show Helm” as an option.

W00t!